Invictus in the morning

I can’t remember the last time I was here dear Travellers,

Change is a mother f*cker, isn’t it? I have yet to meet a human in my life who said, “Not only do I love change, but I embrace it without hesitation and attack it with vigor. I LOVE change! It’s my favorite thing!!” Said no one ever.

But change is all around us, it is literally inside of us. It’s what aging truly is, change. Change at every turn. Our cells, our very make up, exist in change. It’s mostly imperceptible but it’s happening. Look outside at the weather, the seasons, HELLO, CHANGE.. So why the hell is it such a struggle to change our lives? And interestingly, we all have different struggles with change…

I’m lucky in many ways in this life. I mastered two of the big changes I see others struggle with, exercise and diet. At 29, I realized I needed to change my life, I had been struggling on and off with anorexia since the age of 14. I was tired and it had to stop. I wanted my 30s to be different. I wanted to no longer feel how I felt, like I was my own enemy. Starvation is not kindness to your body and that leads nowhere good. Starvation makes you really unhappy. Anorexia made me my own worst enemy.

So I changed…and its been a lifetime it seems since that choice. Or so it feels. And I have continued to evolve in that realm. I have stayed the course. Quite happily I might add.. First came consistent movement, daily, then I tried other movement, eventually I found kettle bells, yoga, body weight training, and plyometrics. My diet changed as well. I cleaned up what I was fueling my life with and it wasn’t all at once. I think that’s the key: It takes years to really change things in a permanent lasting way. Ok, maybe months of consistency to start with, but really months give way to years. I think one of the biggest reasons I was able to change these things is that I wasn’t on a deadline, I stopped getting on the scale, and I didn’t have an exact destination in mind either. Just an idea that I could be better and free of the anorexia. An idea that there was a better life that I could make for myself. And I did it one step at a time, not all at once.

Now here we are here. Since I was last here, I’ve gotten divorced, which is a conversation for another time. I’m now the sole owner of my home, my fur kids outnumber me four to one  and I have come to realize that this life I have is temporary at best. All of our lives are temporary, nothing is guaranteed or fixed in a permanent position. I’ve realized that whatever comes next is all on me. If I want to change course, it’s me that will make that happen. For some reason, it scares me now, the responsibility of my life. And I feel alone in that requirement of change. And I remembered the poem, Invictus . The line is “I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.” Actually it’s the whole poem that applies, but the lines that I heard in my mind while brushing my teeth this morning were those two.

I want to change course no matter how ill it’s making me feel and so I’m here and will be here everyday for the next 30 days. EVERY DAY. Stomach in my foot, heart in my hand. Which I hope will lead to 60 days, then 90 days… I’m not saying it’s gonna be pretty because this is part of a one two punch in my life, which I will talk about on another day. But I think this is how I changed my life before, just made a choice one day and then followed it through.

So here we go…

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