Buenos Dias Travellers,
Just a quick recap, the way I’m doing this thing now is each morning, I write for one hour, whatever is on my mind, not much editing and then BAM, I publish…see my last post about the “DO’ing…
This morning we’re gonna talk about sexy time topics, so IF you are squeamish about discussing anything sexual OR IF you know me in the real world and reading about my thoughts on sex make you uncomfortable, STOP READING NOW…
I do have to say one thing here as a sort of observation, it’s always been weird to me that we as a society have this discomfort talking about essentially the way each of us came to exist in this world. Two people, your parents, got busy, and BOOM, there you were. So why not talk about it?
ONE MORE TIME, IF YOU NEED TO STOP READING NOW IS YOUR CHANCE….
Ok, so we’re good? Here we go…
(And you need to listen to that linked song, because it’s the greatest thing EVER.)
Intimacy. I would say lack of intimacy is what demolished my marriage, and based on the number of bi-lines on ladies & men’s magazines, and internet articles, it would appear lack of intimacy is a widespread issue. I know I said a few posts back I wouldn’t say anything more about the demise of my marriage, but this is where my mind went this morning, so it’s on. And I’m also tired of feeling like there are things I’m not suppose to say…what would really happen if we all said the things we think we’re not suppose to say, just a side thought.
First off, intimacy is not just sex. It’s all the bonding stuff, the communication, the openness, trust, vulnerability, kindness and yes, naked parts. I think this is pretty well accepted definition in current conversation. The thing with sex and intimacy is at times it feels very chicken and the egg depending on the relationship. I do know it seems very near impossible to have one without the other.
When we met, we were adults with different sexual histories. I say adults because this is post college. He was raised in a Christian no sex before marriage household, I was not. I had had sex with other guys before him. I should have probably walked away at that point, but I didn’t…so lesson number one for me, some immovable objects are just that, immovable, you should walk away. Because life isn’t like rom-coms, people don’t change their minds about things like that. In life, they do those things and then lose their shit. Short story is, we had sex, we weren’t married, he completely flipped out and damage was done. Not a good precedent for marriage, but hindsight is 20/20.
I then spent the entirety of our marriage feeling like there was no amount of penitence that would fix it. He said it was alright, but I still felt guilty. It was guilt, like I somehow I was the one who should have known better. Guilt for having sex, which I had never felt with anyone else. And hurt, because his reaction shut me down, which also made me feel guilty for having those feelings. And inadequacy because I didn’t share in his beliefs..
Other huge issue was he told me if I ever got pregnant accidentally it would be the worst thing to ever happen to him in his life. This was while we were married. And no, I had not planned on giving birth to kids either, but I don’t even have the words for how that made me feel. He absolutely did not want kids. Which made sex feel like a terrible game of Russian Roulette, only the bullet was going to be a baby. Strike two against intimacy. Because the only form of birth control that works 100% of the time, is abstinence.
So we didn’t have sex. For most of the 11 years, which is the worst thing two people can do to each other under the banner of love, isn’t it? And I know he had many conversations with friends and possibly family about the lack of sex in our marriage, which I wasn’t happy with either. We needed therapy, we didn’t go. Again, I felt defective and guilty, so I said nothing. But it wasn’t just the sex, it was lack of all intimacy. The intimacy that is needed for the sex. That intimacy was destroyed and never rebuilt. Because there was no trust. Trust that no one would get hurt. And I know somewhere in here, I’m sure he would say I did more wrong. And that I was harming him, not having sex. Truth was, EVERYONE was harmed in our relationship.
But to the outside world, it never appeared that way. And I believe we convinced ourselves that all the stuff that was alright was enough.
It’s a lot right? Here’s the issue now, after almost a decade of barely any sex, and now single, I’m perplexed about sex. I’ve always had a healthy relationship with myself if you hear what I’m saying. Because prior to this relationship, sex wasn’t something I felt shame around. I joked with my therapist early on about wanting to find a great lover. BUT no STDs. That’s a big one, I’ve never had one, don’t want one. I’m not a one night stand kind of person. I’ve never had one, don’t think I want one. It’s been so long since I dated, I’m not sure what the rules are anymore, AND I’M NOT READY right now. This is just what’s been on my mind.
I know since he’s been gone, I’ve felt at peace. Because my penitence is over. I have been released without any rectification. Because I don’t see someone everyday who makes me feel bad about myself or that I am lacking in a way that is harming them. Feeling guilty all the time is exhausting. He probably has a similar kind of relief in his life too.
I think that our sexuality and sexual identity and how we feel about ourselves in that area is a big part of health. And this avoidance of it or discomfort we have created in our society does us no good. Because your mental health and physical health are so tightly interwoven they really cannot be separated. And I’m not just talking about your feelings about your naked body or self love, I feel like it’s the most vulnerable piece of ourselves that we share with another person. It’s vulnerability. And I’m not sure if his absence will heal that up and this will just be a hiccup in my sexual history or if it is a wound that has to heal. It’s just what’s on my mind this morning…