It’s a super rainy Sunday Travellers,
There’s nothing quite like waking up to any form of disaster. This year Kansas has been getting more rain than well, the span of my life at least. I can’t remember this much rain and rain for me has now formed a unfortunate association with stress. Home owner stress. Flooding and leaking. And I’m not even in the worst of it, but I’ve learned my patio holds water which then floods into the basement AND I have a leak which we are yet to find in my roof AND a leak in a front window. All of which I’m told is normal as a home owner. That all houses have issues.
Here’s is where the real stress comes in, after my divorce we both walked away in not great financial shape, which is also pretty normal for those of us who are not wealthy. I think someone should a book about separation that is the reality for most people versus Eat, Pray, Love, which while a great meditation on finding oneself, it’s not a realistic picture of what leaving a marriage looks like. Leaving a marriage is terrifying in all these little ways that you’re never going to see coming. Read that again. Being in a home that needs repairs that you may not have the money to cover is stress unlike any other.
Also, let me interject that the choice to stay in this home came thru it’s own stress. Because I felt I had nowhere else to go. Renting was not an option because of my fur family AND because it would cost the same to rent as own. And I have no family here to live with. But I do love this house and it is my home.
I want to acknowledge something here, my mother would always drag me back into my parents basement after every divorce which always felt like banishment to me. Because I didn’t have real room or privacy and I felt ashamed to bring friends home because of this situation. I understand now why she did it. I get why people go their parents homes after divorce. Because you are wounded and to save money. And you feel safe with family. I think some of this colors what I’m about to say next…
Any little disaster in my life is further complicated by one of my super powers, catastrophic thinking. In case you are not familiar with that particular skill, it goes a little like this…my home has issues which I feel I cannot afford to fix right now, should greater disaster strike I don’t have money for that which then leads to me having to leave my home, put my dogs and cats into a shelter which takes away my love and joy, and I then have to live in the shelter because my house will be condemned. Everyone will abandon me for a being a failure and a disappointment. All because of problems in my house.
That’s it in a nutshell.
It is crushing to ride this train of thought and only worsened by my feeling that I deserve to feel that way for not having saved more money. My other super power is not forgiving myself for any missteps I have taken in my life. You can see where all of this is really unhelpful on a rainy Sunday. Or any day for that matter.
Here’s the thing, I know I learned this from my mother, but more than that I’ve been thinking maybe it’s more what our parents DON’T teach us versus what they DO to us. One of the most important things you do as a parent is equip your child with an arsenal of skills to survive in this world. Self-worth, financial responsibility, learning to take care of your body & mind, goal setting, how to forgive, compassion etc. but the thing is I don’t think there’s a human alive who is the master of all things. I don’t think there’s a human who has ALL their shit together, so we are all walking around with Swiss cheese holes in souls. No one is the perfect parent by default of their own weaknesses, and no one is without weakness, so what are we to do?
This is actually where my mind went after my last therapy session and before I started this little blog experiment. Let me share something with you, it’s a quote on a bookmark I’ve used for years.
Yes, that’s Faline standing over it, because when you have four animals living with you it’s abit like Wild Kingdom everywhere. It says, “Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose. To the question of your life, YOU ARE THE ONLY ANSWER. To the problems of your life, YOU ARE THE ONLY SOLUTION.” Thank you Jo Coudert, whoever you are.
What I realized after therapy was this, I am alone in my life. We are all alone in each of our lives in that no one else is going to make our lives into what we want. No one else can realize our goals and dreams. No one else can make us better or change us into a better version of ourselves. EXCEPT US. The promises we make to ourselves are the most important ones and when you don’t follow through on your journey, you are breaking a promise to yourself. The promise of your life. A better life in whatever form that takes for you personally. We are responsible for what happens to us in this world and isn’t that both fucking terrifying and exhilarating. Kinda makes you wanna cry and yet, it’s like a super power.
P.S. I actually didn’t have the catastrophic thoughts this morning, I’ve just ridden that train so often it’s memorized in my gray matter. This morning it felt more like, it is what it is and I will just have to deal with it. Just like owning dogs when it rains, it sucks, but they gotta go out and ya gotta dry them off or it turns into a hot mess fast.