Giant children everywhere

Happy Hump day Travellers,

Is that a thing in other countries, hump day? All I ever think about when I hear that turn of phrase is that damn camel in that insurance commercial…but I do love a feisty camel..

The heat has arrived. This morning it was 78 on our walk which is about 3 degrees too much for my dog Ramona, but she loves to walk so much I’m pretty sure she’d make the whole trip across hot coals if she had to…just to go on a walk. I tried to take a picture of the moon when I woke up because it was all glowy in the gauzy clouds, it was magnificent, but the problem is it shines so brightly I can’t get it to photograph well…sometimes I think the wonders of this world are only meant for eyes and memories, not our devices. As we walked and the sky lightened, the moon was just floating in this pink and purple haze. It was amazing…early morning is just glorious, how have I missed out all these years?

Anyways I was thinking about heat which makes one take a concerned pause about the air conditioner being able to fight the good fight and briefly running thru the list of things I worry about as a home owner, as in how will I pay for it when it breaks and you know the general fears one has after a divorce has turned your life on it’s side…but what really struck me is how I feel like such a child sometimes, like I’m a big kid playing house, do you know what I mean? I mean, sometimes I feel flabbergasted thinking, “ THIS IS MY HOUSE?! I OWN A HOUSE ?! I PAY A MORTGAGE?!  I HAVE FOUR FURRY SOULS THAT DEPEND ON ME?!? YOU’RE MY DOG??” Oh get out, you’re kidding me? Someone call my parents, I think it’s past my bedtime

I was talking to my oldest dearest friend last night about this very thing…Do you ever feel like you are a child masquerading as an adult? You’re just a kid pretending to be an adult…and she said YES, and that made me feel better because she is someone I think of as a person who has it all together. I just had a friend tell me the other day, that I seemed like a person who has all it going on. WHAT?!? DO YOU KNOW ME?? Anyways, my friend put it best last night, she said, “You’re just kind of figuring  it as you go.” Like how do I do my job, I dunno, you just figure it out, and the same for owning a house and fixing things and having kids/dogs/cats/whatever your equivalent is…none of us really know shit, do we? We are all just figuring it out as we go galavanting down the road of life…I think it could be oddly comforting to us all, as in the entire human race, if we could all agree to concede on this point: we are all vulnerable children, stop pretending you know everything and maybe things could be better for us all.

One of the greatest parts of my job is that I get to meet and know older people. Humans have changed a lot over the years and the generations that are now in their mid 80s and older, they just don’t build them like that anymore. By the way, being in your 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s and even your 70s is not old. One of the greatest disservices we are doing to ourselves is considering anything under 80 as being “OLD”. It’s fucking ridiculous. I know a woman right now who is 104, THAT is an appropriate age to say a person is old. It’s a century, am I right?

One of my most favorite people I had the privilege of knowing was 100 1/2 when she left this world. She would want me to acknowledge that 1/2 a year, she had really wanted to make it to 100 and after she did, I think that was it for her. Her name was Lois and I once asked Lois what was it like being 99, and she looked at me and said as plain as day, “It’s just like being you. I was your age yesterday. The distance between us isn’t as far as you think..” I was maybe 36 at the time. I told her I had thought that when humans got older we would change, like become wiser and calmer inside and learn all the secrets oof the universe or something…essentially we were all going to become Yoda. And she said, “Nope, I feel exactly the same, it’s just your body that ages.” I told her that was deeply disturbing (and I meant that sarcastically in that moment and I’m smiling now as I recall the whole conversation..) because I had been hoping for solace in my old age.

I was thinking this morning as I was watering my garden, you know all the things I love to do, I think they are coming from the kid in me. I’ve always loved animals, I have four and they are the four legged joy of my life. 3 legs in Charlie’s case. I loved recess and playing on the jungle gym and running as a kid, so I now love working out and teaching others.  I loved creating as a kid, here I am writing to you. And those things make me feel happy deep down inside, what I call the feeling of rightness.

If you dreamed of flying as a kid, maybe you skydive as an adult. You loved your bicycle, it becomes a motorcycle. You played an instrument, you become a professional musician. You pretended to rule the world so you become a politician…what if we already know who we are as kids and then fuck it all up trying to act like adults? What if we remembered who were and what we loved and did that with our lives, would it make us happier, more fulfilled? What if the answer to the question, “What am I here for, what is my life for..” what if you’ve known all along and it’s just having the vulnerability to go back to that place and start there…

I haven’t recommended a movie in awhile, but there is one for this.. “BIG” which is one of my very favorite movies even though it makes me cry at the end. I think this is one of Tom Hank’s finest roles in his entire career and that is saying something…

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