Divorce is a minefield, did you know that? Have you experienced it for yourself? I hope not, I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone…and I say minefield because I’m going along, the sun is out, the day is good and then an explosion. I didn’t see it coming, I just stepped on it…
Last night, I’m in a hardware store parking lot with a flower pot for my lavender plant in my hand and it hits me that you left me. YOU. LEFT. ME. You did, it’s true and no matter how right it is for me to not be with you, you fucking left me. And then you think we can immediately just be friends, STILL? And I think I’m allowed to have my feelings here in these moments. I’ve considered that for awhile, maybe I’m just not evolved enough, but I am, and I get to have my feelings here and now. I think that was wrong of you to suggest it. Inconsiderate of you. How could you think that was possible and normal? We did not “consciously uncouple” am I right? Things weren’t particularly hostile, they weren’t ugly, no one broke the commandments, but you broke some part of my heart that now has decided it will have no more visitors for the indefinite future.
There are things that we all say when people hurt us. We call people names and think mean things or thoughts that blossom from our injuries inside. I’m not putting any of those words here. I’m not even sure I have those words for you, but if I ever did I refuse to commemorate any of that in this space. None of those things are constructive. Not constructive as criticism or in any other way. AND the thing is right now, I’m here for the rebuild. I am under construction. I am building anew, maybe a touch of restoration to my soul, but mostly it’s a new development because I’m trying out new ideas to build a new foundation that I can live on. A better one that I can thrive on. One that has room to grow into.
I had actually given up the anger I thought or rather it had dissipated into something else. I’m not even sure I’m mad right now. It just hit me all at once that you left me. YOU. LEFT. ME. Walking to the car, there it was. That’s a chapter in my life now that I don’t want. I don’t want to be left, I didn’t want you to stay after those nine months, but I don’t want to be a woman who got left. No one wants to be the one who got left. But I’m acknowledging it like when you’re playing Monopoly and you pass GO to collect your $200, except I collected a divorce.
I felt like all my feelings were wrong with you. I felt like feeling at all was wrong the whole way thru. And it made me an enemy of myself. And I’ve struggled abit with acknowledging that if I can’t be your friend or don’t want to talk to you, I’m not wrong. I’m not less for my feelings and you are not better for yours.
It’s weird because I haven’t cried or felt even the slightest of inkling of tears since you left. I think I cried everything in those nine months before and now I am free. I can feel myself becoming braver since you left. And there is peace here in my home. And you aren’t a villain in this story, but neither am I. I want to say you hurt me and you were wrong. Not a bad man, or a bad person, but you hurt me. You left me.
I should have left you, shouldn’t I? I can’t look back and see anything right now but all the warnings I chose to ignore. And all the things I let slide because I thought this is what marriage is. And I know this right now is a learning experience, a very long one, but I can safely say the message has been received. Did you hear that Universe? I’m listening now, but I didn’t want to be left.
I’m hoping I can leave this here and keep moving through the many fields of life. If I don’t acknowledge this little boom, it would feel insincere and avoidance is a friend to no one. I’m sure this won’t be the last one, the last tiny explosion but I just know I have to accept that you left me. And it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be alright.