A mid-morning hello to you fellow Travellers,
I cannot find the words to tell you how extraordinary the weather is here in Kansas. Since you may not be aware of this fact, our state can birth a seriously hellishly hot, humid, nasty beast of a summer, but right now, it is GLORIOUS!! The forecast, GLORIOUS for like the next 10 days!! I feel like we won some kind of weather lottery…because the windows can stay open for hours and ohhhh, it’s just the best…just thought I’d let you know…
Do you enjoy house cleaning? As in domestic chores and when I say enjoy I mean it’s not on your worst things in life list that we all keep in our heads. It’s not going to the dentist for a filling. Somewhere along the way, I became someone who seemingly enjoys cleaning. I always feel grateful when I’m cleaning for my home and all the furry creatures that largely contribute to the necessity of cleaning every day. One word: SHEDDING. I could knit an entire wardrobe of cat and dog hair during this time of year, it’s insane that no one is bald yet. I like the responsibility of cleaning my home, which I know sounds odd. I also like taking chaos and turning it into order. I find that very comforting, establishing order. It’s a skill I have honed, being a fixer, not just domestically but professionally.
I recently read something that has made me reevaluate my little habit. I can’t tell you where or cite an article, but essentially the message was you are substituting cleaning for other things in life. Cleaning is something that has a defined beginning and end. You will see the product of your spent energy quite quickly and therefore you get that immediate satisfaction that we all seem to crave. You know the part where you want whatever you are trying to work towards to reach immediate fruition, I can’t be the only one who struggles with that?…you can see the wonderful end of the journey where success lies, but not the in between space. The space where uncertainty, doubt and the what ifs live, what if this won’t work out, what if I fail etc. etc. Because cleaning has yet to not work out for me. BUT I put so much energy into it, that I sidelined the really important things, my goals that would grow into life.
I’ve been thinking about the way we unfold inside change. And how my marriage I think largely failed because there was no room for us to grow or change together. It was just a weird comfort zone where I was never going to get anywhere other than where I was. And I cleaned a TON during my marriage. I think being thrust out into this place where I am now, where’re everything is uncertain is more real then anywhere we lived together. It reminds of being in your 20s, where the world is open. I think the world might always be open, but as we age and make certain choices society tends to lean us into the direction of believing you are too deeply planted where you are that you can’t pick it up, find a sunnier patch and grow new roots. There’s a quote I see drifting thru Instagram somedays about how in order for a seed to grow it has to literally crack itself open, the tidy exterior has to essentially fail for it to grow. And it takes time for that little experience, it’s not a vacuuming your rug situation.
I find when discussing weight loss, or dietary change or adding exercise into another person’s life, there is great concern about how long will it take to get there and what if doesn’t work. In yoga, they ask, how long did it take for you to be flexible? And using a scale as a marker isn’t a good idea. I’ll expound on that another time, but it serves as a good illustration of how we need to see success without much time passing. We need concrete proof that our efforts are paying off and any discomfort we are experiencing is worth it. We need it to keep going. No proof, no go. And that is just one example amoungst the myriad of other similar scenarios.
I’m writing here in this space having no idea where it leads, I can either hang my hope on some kind of publication dream OR I can do what I decided I would do when I began, I’m here for each day. Here for whatever my mind opens to each morning for about an hour. I’m here for what this writing brings to me when I hit publish, it makes me smile. And I’m moving in the direction of something meaningful for myself. It’s so much better than cleaning the hard wood floors. And I can tell you that this is just a warm up for something, but I don’t know what.
AND I’ve also decided to not allow likes, or follows or essentially popularity to decide the worthiness or direction of this journey. I think that is the trap of social media that you just can’t step into. You have to remain appreciative of the people you encounter but unmoved in your path. You have to decide to extend yourself into a space and then JUST LET GO. Obviously, I’ve decided to trade off some chores around the house to come here and chat with all you lovely people. And when I publish here in a minute, I will just let go.
I have to add an odd little comment here, Have you ever seen “Finding Nemo” ? There is scene where Dory and Nemo’s dad are inside a whale’s mouth and Dory is “speaking whale” Anyways the water starts to drain from the whale’s mouth and the two of them are hanging on the whale’s tongue, dangling over his throat and Dory says, He says it’s time to let go, and Marlin asks how do you know it’s going to be alright and she says I don’t and then he lets go…my eyes always well up when I watch that bit, but somewhere recently I know Dory was right…we never know if it will work out, we don’t know how long it will take to know if it’s working out, but we have to give it this life journey our best effort, and then just let go.
I appreciate our little visits and we’ll see you tomorrow!!