Happy Noon Travellers,
I’m off work today, and yesterday I was as well, but today has been more like a day off. In that I didn’t rise with the sun, the sun was waiting for me to get up instead…as was Lou who does not like any deviation from her doggy schedule. Which is kind of annoying because there are days, like today, where I want to sleep some more, but then I have those dreams.
Do you know these dreams, the ones you have between spells of sleep? The ones that disturb your sense of things. They are always my most vivid in that I can remember in detail what just happened in my mind. And I tend to physically feel the dream, the emotions of it permeate my body. It has measurable weight when my eyes open. It feels so here that when you awake, you expect that reality to be your now.
Maybe that’s why Lou doesn’t want me to go back to sleep…she can see me dreaming, maybe I convulse and twitch like she does on the floor when caught in it’s embrace. Maybe it vexes her to watch just like it does me…you want to make it stop, make them wake…
Most of these visions are harmless, weirdly conceived affairs that mix memories with random nonsense. Very Alice in Wonderland kind of shit. I’ve always been a dreamer, but as an adult these intermittent ones have become much more immersive. Sometimes I think real life events or conversations plant the seed of these things, sometimes not. I think this one grew from a conversation I had yesterday with my therapist and it’s been something I’ve been processing as well.
I’m not sure that I can ever be friends with my ex. I found somewhere online that he could be called my Wasband, as in was husband, which is terribly clever. It’s like Thutt, which is someone’s description of where your thigh dead ends to bottom of your butt, that little 3 inch area…and I use that one when explaining movement to people, because it’s so oddly accurate. SO, my wasband seemed to believe that we would immediately be best friends after our divorce. I actually requested that he not contact me for six months, because I needed to detach, breathe and evaluate if that’s really something I want. I’m wasn’t convinced that would be good for me.
I was telling my therapist that I see people who are friends with their ex as being more evolved than me, like it’s something we should be able to all do. Like I should be able to get over myself or something. Obviously this idea excludes abusive relationships, no one should be expected to deal with that… I think I just felt like his family and he both believed I should get over this situation and everything would be the same. Except it isn’t, not at all. And his mom never said that to me, it’s my own shit talking there. My experience with my parents divorce obviously colors my feelings here as well. I could never understand why I didn’t get to have them both in my life in my youth, why they couldn’t figure that out for me in some way. May not be fair, but still had that feeling. Now I find myself where they were and expect myself to do better, which negates that doing better may mean we are not friends.
Back to the dream, I had this dream. And in this place, my wasband is here in my house again. It seems like he has returned and we are back in the hellish limbo that was the nine months prior to our separation. He came back to see if we made a mistake, or he made a mistake?…that seemed to be what was happening. And I felt uncomfortable, like inside myself, it was like I couldn’t push away, which is how I mostly felt during the last year before he left. It felt like a guy trying to kiss you or grope you that you do not want kissing or groping you. And that can be a difficult situation to wiggle out from under. It was like I couldn’t get out from under the weight of his presence. I couldn’t find my way out.
I intentionally didn’t come here and write during most of that time because I was afraid of what I would say. I’m not a malicious person and I always feel bad for my feelings about others when they are not kind. Which is kinda fucked up, because I think we have to allow our feelings otherwise we can’t process anything, right? I knew he was not good for me, and yet, I kept thinking or discussing trying to fix things between us, betraying myself and this dream felt just like that. Uncomfortable inside myself, like my soul and my body didn’t fit together like they should. I remember when we were separating there was talk of just taking a year hiatus, and I seemed to verbally keep expressing that as what I wanted, yet I kept simultaneously thinking, what are you doing, would you want this life back, with him, and how would that happen? And if that tether remained in place, how would I ever really be free to seek my life? Why I was I doing this to myself?
In the light of day, the dream was nothing more than mental ether. That’s all they ever are. I await a day to come where I never have any wondering about this man. I had asked her in our appointment yesterday how long that would take, where I never thought of him. I feel like if you aren’t wanting them back or pining or in any chasing modus operandi, it feels like the letting go should be here. Again, not even 3 months has passed, but really I think I was drifting away long before he left. Like swimming away and I’m in the middle of the calm waves treading water, looking back at the shore, where I can him standing still. I think that’s the sadness pang that I get sometimes, just the leaving not wanting, not missing him, just goodbye.
I hope the day is coming where the dream doesn’t evaporate before I get to say goodbye.
Thanks for coming by!!