Fix me

Good morning Travellers,

This morning on our walk I felt a sense of relief. I had survived the night before and here was the dawn. Though a bit stuffy, even in the darkness. We’ve largely escaped the Midwest humidity this summer, but now it’s here in all it’s glory. Ta-da!! Even at 5:30am in the morning. I can’t imagine how humidity feels to animals, has to be like wearing a zipper-less fur coat into a sauna.

The other thing that made me heart feel better this morning was that rooster, the one I mentioned a few weeks ago. We haven’t heard him since that morning, I was afraid he had met with an ill fate. Or someone choked him to shut him up. This morning though, he was cock-a-doodle-doing with all his might. And it felt like a sort of heralding for me personally…

Last night I survived myself. I’ve not had my head in a great place these past few days. I do know it’s partly hormones, because the lady cycle after 40 is a really rough ride. There should be a warning label for perimenopause, or rather maybe a small ticket could pop out of your vagina, say mid-30s, that would warn you of what’s coming…like all the idiot lights on your car, the ones that tell you when the oil is low, in case you weren’t paying attention…wouldn’t it be handy if a human body had a heads up display like that? Just saying…

I actually made it into bed at 9pm last night, which is an act of God for me. I mowed the lawn after work, showered, ate dinner and was exhausted at 9. As I laid there in bed, I felt overwhelmed with I’m not sure what the name of the emotion would be, because it was more off a mixed cocktail with several ingredients stirred up till they were inseparable. In the entire time since my ex left, I’ve never cried or I don’t think I’ve felt sad. I was just thinking a few days ago how that seemed odd to me. I guess we can file what happened next under the “ask and you shall receive” column.

I just started crying, I mean really hard. I was shaking. Sobbing out loud. My legs felt like lead and I felt so alone. I couldn’t move to call anyone and I was overwhelmed. Mostly, I thought I wished I never met you, you are a regret, a huge chunk of time regret and I wished I never met you. I am angry at myself and at you. I thought in this moment, I want it all taken back, like a sweater I returned to Target, just make it as though it never happened. And in this state of emotional distress, I say distress because I was crying so hard my sinuses felt like they were going to implode in my forehead and I couldn’t breathe. My sinuses swelled shut, and all the snot and the tears running into my ears. I had to sit up so I didn’t drown from my own body.

Then as I was blowing my nose, I remembered the oddest thing my vet told me when Leni was dying and we were taking her back home for those few days. He mentioned to try and not get upset in front of her, because that affects animals too. When their human is in emotional distress, it upset them. And last night as I was there in my puddle of snot, I realized I was surrounded by my furry loved ones and I needed to stop crying because I didn’t want to break their hearts too. So I did, and then I mouth breathed until I could nasally inhale again and drifted off to sleep.

I actually feel so much better this morning. I feel relieved. I’ve been trying to hold in all the emotions that I felt were not productive or evolved or that I just keep thinking I shouldn’t feel. Because I’ll be a bad person if I feel them. Because they will do nothing but harm me. The despair that is here with me in all the uncertainty of my life has felt overwhelming these past four days. Like I just wanted life to end…and there really isn’t any good way to do that, is there? There’s really no good way to end your life, so it seems like I have stay here…

I want to be a productive positive divorced person, but I’m starting to think I have some hurdles to clear. The regret and sometimes it feels abit like my anger has the tips of it’s wings dipped in strong sour dislike. I dislike how I let myself be treated and I dislike him. It didn’t just not work out, I didn’t just fail as a wife, he was not a good husband and I get to say that and not feel bad about it. I am allowed to feel these things and hopefully at some point I can believe that too. It was not a good relationship and it was not a good choice. And I’m going to have to learn to heal it away. I regret my decision to date him and in fact last night, I wish I never met him, which would negate all my fur kids. Last night, I didn’t care, I figured they may have found other people, better people, to love them.

I have no idea what my life would be if I removed that choice. If I never married this man, or dated him, where would that have led? Not because I want to go there, but I know it would have been different though quite possibly not better. There are many good things about my life here and now, and the four fury souls that share this home  are at the top of that list. I couldn’t bear life without them. Or the people I know, I wouldn’t trade them. Or my home whether it’s perfect or not. It’s me that I seem to want to trade out, and that’s a problem. That’s a huge hurdle.

I dislike the feeling of regret, because it’s not good material to construct anything new with, it’s rotted wood that you have to throw out. And it’s a pretty big fucking pile after 15 years…it’s a fire hazard. Maybe I could burn it. In the light of today, I think just coming here to say all of this might actually be the equivalent of striking the match. Maybe this will send it up in flames and then it will be released to drift away in the smoke and swept away in the ashes.


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