Happy Saturday Travellers,
This is the last sunny day we’re going to have here for awhile so I broke my morning routine and walked to ladies. Saturday’s are usually our day off from walking. By the time our paws hit the pavement, the sun was already out and the sky is clear, so nothing spectacular to gaze at above. The loveliest moment was the way the dew on the grass shimmered in the sunlight like a thousand little jewels. There’s always something out there to see, that’s a promise I could make without hesitation.
I’ve been having trouble writing lately and I think it’s because I’m been agitated and ineffective in curtailing all my thoughts or just getting a grip. Too much crying, thoughts of dying, too many I don’t want to’s or should have’s or how am I going to’s are not lending themselves to writing. Those thoughts are crowding out or smothering my muse…
The struggle is been real here, it’s live and in 3D. I’ve realized I have so much to work on since my divorce, but I am struggling to really get on board with it because I just keep coming back to how worthless I am, or how worthless I feel or it’s too late or I’m just kidding myself that I can ever succeed at anything other than what I’m already doing. Or it just feels unconquerable. It’s felt impossible to remain behind the wheel of change when lately my life feels like it’s only value is being the caretaker of four wayward souls.
I just don’t know how I’m ever going to REALLY believe that my life has value or meaning or that I can do anything truly great. Because I don’t think that’s a light switch kind of choice, I feel like it’s more of a journey of a million steps kind of thing. Maybe I just haven’t walked far enough yet, because I really did just begin. 3 months is a mere spoonful of time. And I think it’s the worry that I’ll never get there even if I try my hardest. I have too much childhood history that keeps whispering in my mind about how not worth it I am and my divorce just exasperates those feelings.
But then there’s a little voice that keeps saying, “Try.”
Sometimes it feels like everyone else is just better and more deserving. I’m just over here in the corner. And I keep thinking how many ways can I say that or explore that without making this place somewhere no one wants to visit. A monotony of misery, but I know I’m not 100% miserable because there’s a little feeling inside that says, “You could make it.”
Let’s be honest though, no one likes a wallower. We want to hear the stories of how people change and then wildly succeed. It’s called Oprah’s book club. We want to believe humans can bloom even in the darkest corners of this world. We want to see that the human soul cannot be defeated. We want to know that strength is ultimately found in the bloodiest brokenest moments of our lives. But how many of us want to be one of those lives? Raise your hand if you want to suffer to find greatness…
And all of those stories seem to be told in their aftermath, or afterglow as it would be. We are here in medias res for this little journey, which I thought would be a great thing to explore for myself and whomever would like to come along. Because don’t we all want to know how someone rebuilds it all or do we want to just see it accomplished at the end and say, “Well done you!”
I love those stories, I read those stories looking for wisdom to gleam. Looking for answers that may apply to the questions of my life. Long before my divorce, I read many of the tales of unconquerable woe. I just never wanted my life to be one of them. No one does, I see the look of relief in married people’s eyes when I talk about what’s happened, they are relieved it’s not them. Same for money issues or job issues or child issues. My dearest friend told me the other day that divorce is considered the second greatest hardship to a human life, second only to the death of a child. I’m not sure I’ve 100% embraced my current level of difficultly, because it’s so much more than just not being that person.
I see now so clearly that I have accepted and endorsed through my choices a sort of mediocrity in my existence and pulling yourself out of that is really fucking hard. I see years of patterns that need to change and almost all of it points to the lack of value I have placed in my own life and lack of trust I have in myself. I feel like on the journey of a million steps, I started walking and yet keep stopping thinking maybe somehow I don’t have to commit to all of these hard changes. It’ll be okay if I just sorta do this…And I think that lack of conviction has something to do with why I remain here wallowing. I don’t want it to be a million steps, I want it to be thousands or hundreds. I just don’t think I fully understood what it takes to make your life into one of the stories. Until the past few days, and yes, some piece of me is saying, “Stop being a brat, you can do these things…”
Three days ago, my estranged mother left me a voice mail. It happens about every 9 months and since she’s blocked on my phone, I just randomly find the messages. Normally, I just erase it and move on. This time however it’s really upset me, splintered itself inside my mind.
When this whole divorce process began and my wasband moved to his parents, which let’s be honest is a gift, and I had nowhere like that to go I was really upset. I feel like I have no other choices than the ones I’ve made and I don’t get to just save money because I have a whole house that needs work and a mortgage AND debt. It’s made me have those “life isn’t fair” feelings and I feel alone. And I hate feeling that way, but that’s the truth. It’s not fair that I was born to her and not someone else. What a terrible thing to say, but nonetheless true. When she calls, it reminds me of what I don’t have and cannot ever have. I cannot let her in my life to do any more damage.
Let me conclude with nature, because I think the world is always teaching us the way if we pay attention…I had a pepper plant in my garden that 100% died. DEAD. No sing of life, DEAD. Last week, I noticed well, let me show you…
That fellow Travellers is the resurrection, the rising from the proverbial dirt/ashes and I don’t know how it happened but there it is…and all I can think is it’s not easy, but it’s time to grow.