Good morning Travellers,
It’s a rainy one, all night, all morning. Think there’s been more rain here this year than any year of my entire life, no matter where I’ve lived. Rain. Rain. Rain.
Sometimes I feel like it’s trying to wash away something…(Listen and insert Bon Iver)
Last night, as the storm was coming, it was really quite beautiful…there’s is a strange beauty in chaos isn’t there? Though I’m not sure storms are really chaos, are they? I really liked how the sky looked like it was swelling around the sun, swathing it in darkness…this is around 7pm..it made a sunshine belly button in the sky…
I’ve been thinking about how storms are a necessary part of life here on Earth, even the ones that ravage our cities and decimate populations. There is a sort of necessity in Mother Nature that I’m not sure we are ever going to embrace. I tend to think humans have actually decided to live in defiance of the things they cannot control and that’s quite possibly a really ill founded choice, isn’t it? Don’t we build cities in the paths of hurricane alleys? And envelop the fault lines with sky scrapers where earth quakes are going to shake, rattle and roll life as we know it? Living on cliffs, daring nature to push us off?
Some of life is unavoidable pain, some of it is not, sometimes it’s hard to choose. Sometimes I think we choose to not see the difference, even if it’s quite clear. We humans love that middle finger, don’t we?
I’ve been watching all this rain since May, feeling like it’s been trying to help me wash away my life. Not forget it, or ignore it, but cleanse it. Ease it. Soothe it. I think about it every time it’s rained this summer. I know that sounds odd, but the weather comes and goes each day. Storms rise and fall. We survive the best we can and then rebuild.
If we treat out thoughts and life events like storms, if we can simply let them do their worst BUT then release them and rebuild and move forward, isn’t that what this life is? Isn’t that the way to go? Don’t we all have to remain a tiny bit impartial to the events of our lives or we’ll drown in their waves?
It’s been one year this month since my life went off the deep end. That picture above, if the sun was me, that’s how last October felt. Darkness and uncertainty swelling around my life.
This is the month where my then spouse came back from visiting his parents and said, “I’m leaving in two years, and I love you dearly and want you to come with me. I have job and you don’t have to work, you can do something you really want but I’m leaving..” And my gut stole my voice and said, “I want Lou.” Because I didn’t think married people said those kind of things to each other. I didn’t want a marriage where someone said those kinds of things to me.
Honestly, our marriage had not worked for me or him for so long and this was an out. I didn’t know it was an out, but it was. I thought it was just a little thunder when it was the gathering storm of the prior decade, and once it took ahold of our lives, it hasn’t let up. Not for me, until now….something has slowly changed in the last month.
In November it will be one year since I started therapy. Not to save my marriage, but to save myself. At first, I thought is might save my marriage but I wasn’t the only one with issues and it takes two to make a marriage work. Really work. Working in a way where everyone grows and supports each other. We weren’t going to grow together.
Therapy has created an armada of storms inside me. It’s not easy to face yourself and the way you’ve lived or the choices you made or didn’t make or how you let other people treat you. That thing they say about how you treat yourself is how you let other people treat you. That’s all true. And you can’t expect thirty plus years of pain to resolve in a few mere months. Exploring yourself, attempting to change decades of beliefs, behaviors and rectify things like that take time.
And I’m not done yet. Some days are tornadoes inside, leaving me reeling, some days are 100% sunshine. It’s the mind. The thoughts, so many negative thoughts combined with everyday noise. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating everyday, we have to let most of our thoughts just pass through us without attachment. Like little storms. That’s what they are, rain that will simply dry up when it’s had it’s way.
I think this is our nature, all of us. Some of us weather it better than others. And some of us do our best to ignore it, giving life the middle finger.
But I knew this morning, watching to rain come down, when it’s done, this particular storm is going to pass…