And I have a lot of thoughts, maybe get a cup of tea for this…
I’ve been trying to add up the number in my mind of women whom I have met since my divorce, who are also divorced, and have quite emphatically told me that they’ve never been happier than well, being on their own. Happily divorced. SO HAPPY. Not fake happy, like glowy. And all ages, not just mid-life or late in life, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, I mean I bet it’s been near a dozen women now…some random strangers, almost like the universe is speaking to me…it just happened again last night.
I told a male friend of mine about these encounters and he said maybe they were in bad relationships, and I started thinking, are there that many BAD relationships? Do THAT many people choose wrong when they get married? Or is marriage an actual impediment to women?
Did marriage ever REALLY work in a widespread way? Or was it a secret no one wanted to tell younger generations, like “HEY, HEY there, this may OR may not be a good idea…maybe we should reconsider”, like when you take a trip and arrive at the hotel and it’s questionable, do you suck it up and stay in the cesspool, as an act of defiance or in the name of being a good sport OR move on to something more palatable? Let’s not lie, we’re not Chevy Chase.
Did you know that when a woman gets married it actually shortens her lifespan and extends a man’s lifespan? True story…AND to be clear here, I’m not saying ALL MARRIAGE BAD, I’m simply asking, how many people are actually happily married, like in an intentional marriage where both partners are fulfilled as individuals AND as a couple…you can raise one finger here in solidarity of one another…
I only personally know of three such unicorns. One was a late in life marriage, one was a very intentional marriage from the GO and the last is one of those odd relationships where they were two peas in a pod upon meeting and actually like being together ALL THE TIME. That last one is very rare I think…
This same friend then went on to tell me how he and his married guy friends all agree that eventually everyone just becomes roommates and then you just choose to either ride that wave till death OR you’re me. You do the hassled divorce dance. “Room mates” translates roughly to no sex and kind of ignoring each other as I understand. One of the comments my wasband frequently made was that we were just roommates. And he was right. Our interests were no longer the same, and I’m not sure if I was even still attracted to him. Or him me, who knows. And I don’t think these things can be forced back into their original position…which makes me wonder what is the role of our romantic relationship in terms of our actual life progress? Do we really need to couple up for anything other than baby making?
People just change and last night, I was watching a movie and the male protagonist said, “Without change there would be no butterflies.” And he’s right, did you ever think about that, no metamorphosis would mean only a land of caterpillars and worms…URGHhh, think about that instead of a beautiful swarm of butterflies it would be am army of slimy worms…crawling and oozing all over…yea, bask in that image…
SO, here we are, admitting that life requires change and growth and I have to wonder, why are we still largely holding onto an institution that really, outside of religion and some unicorns, may not really work? What if this thing impedes many people from ever really exploring who they are as an individual and all that changing into a butterfly? Does marriage make us into worms for life? And I’M NOT SAYING ALL OF US, but the statistic on divorce is around 39%….so that’s a lot of unhappy worms my friends. My divorce representing two of those slimy guys..
I’ve definitely not turned into a butterfly yet, BUT I’m certain that I am in my cocoon. I can feel the cozy warmth of my singledom even in the scariest of moments…and I’m not sure if I’m going to be willing to let it go again for another man. There has to be a middle ground that works, long term.
I think I’m turning into a Millennial …gasp…but really, they have some things right and waiting to marry OR not marry may be one of them, which is why it’s 39% versus the 50% stat we hear people claim so often when it comes to divorce.
And let’s not forget MONEY. Cash rules everything around us, when I mention divorce to women, the financial fears are paramount. I’m lucky because I had a career and my own income. Also, I’m an only child, so I’ve been pretty individually oriented most of my life. And my four fur kids buffer the solitude of singledom in the best ways possible. But I have money worries and that isn’t great, and I think that is a universal struggle. It’s a new one to me, but I’ve been assured by many that it works out. Even with debt and old appliances and an old roof, you get what I’m saying…there is a trade off.
Please recall when marriage began, we, ladies, were being sold as property into marriage, that’s the name change. Marriage was a financial agreement and if you were lucky, love may have blossomed. Be outraged that somewhere in this world, that crazy shit still happens. And I’m not sure I’m a feminist, because when women crawl up on that milk crate, I think, Babies, we’ve come a helluva long way, not to say there’s no room to improve because there is….but there’s that phrase I hear people about “What you allow is what will continue.” And also, “Is this the hill you want to die on.”
“What you allow is what will continue” Truer words have never been spoken, so you don’t want a room mate in marriage, try therapy and WORK AT IT. Welcome to all our struggle, intentional life requires massive amounts of thought, energy and awareness and choosing from a good place. EVERY DAY. Married or single, it’s something to invest in.
Why tolerate your life as worm if you cannot create a marital cocoon? And I say that as a person who fears all the fears, but somewhere not knowing became a warmer fuzzier place that was better than the land of unhappy coexistence.
Butterflies don’t live as long as us, so we really do have an exponential amount of on our hands comparatively speaking. Time to change into our next version. Or a lot longer living as a worm.
I think sometimes when I discuss the difficulty of choosing it becomes really apparent to me how “The Path” was made for us to alleviate all that stress but yet, we’re not going to grow as much as we would if we went to all the scary unknown places. Being on your own creates not only uncertainty, BUT it also makes seemingly simple things, really delightful and meaningful, like getting to buy your own Christmas tree. For $36. And it’s yours and you buy it. And when I can finally afford to replace my washing machine, I will have bought that…MONEY SUCKS though, doesn’t it?
Have you ever wondered what would happen if we all woke up tomorrow and money had no value?? The dollar was dead. NO CURRENCY CARRIED ANY VALUE…ANYWHERE…what on Earth would humans do?
Seriously, think about that today, think about all your choices that are financially driven, the way our government is controlled by it, the way corporations control politicians with it, the way our medical system in America isn’t based on patients well being, because let’s be honest, it’s based on money, big pharma, food corporations like Monsanto and insurance companies…AND how expensive is a wedding?
What you allow will continue…If money had no role in your relationships, how would that change everything? How does it change the relationship with yourself?
And ladies, the change is in the wind, not all men are evil and again, what you allow is what will continue. Each of us is representing women as a whole, every day.
Worm or butterfly? That’s all I’m saying…
AND, last night a good friend sent me this Meme, having not read my blog yesterday about ducks, AND the pussy on the duck looks just like Faline…and it’s Friday, so here we go…SO AWESOME!!!!