Good evening Travellers,
Earlier this morning, I gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby post. I saw it, held it, heard it and then published it. And then POOF, gone. ALL. GONE.
ALL MY WORDS GONE. All 1500 of them. There is no word to describe how that felt.
Imagine going thru the delivery of your baby, you see your baby, hold it and then, well, NO BABY. In fact, said baby went back into my proverbial belly, or rather mind in this case, awaiting future possible re-delivery. I guess at least I didn’t have to have an episiotomy, am I right?
The thing is though, I can’t create an identical baby again. I can’t remember all the words, I’m just trying to feel my way back to it. This has now become a different sort of exercise. As any writer could tell you, words flow when they are ready and really good ones are like catching lightening in a bottle. And I had it earlier, all the right words.
Let me also add this, there was a warning, or rather I kept getting a message towards the end of my composing that said back up was failing. For some reason, I ignored my mind that said, hey you better think about that and instead I hit PUBLISH.
NEVER ignore warnings that are right in front of your eyes…especially those in red boxes. That is the lesson.
And lastly, if you were here and you saw this title, I’m sure you thought, why yes, yes I am curious why there are no words for my looking balls to enjoy…my apologies.
Obviously, I’ve discussed the wonders of why everyone should give therapy a shot, but today, I’m going to give you a real world, real life, my life, how it works example AND maybe it could help you or not. Maybe just something to consider.
There’s a really valid notion in the therapy world that I’ve only come to understand within the past year of my life. And last night REALLY put it into practice. And it’s possible you may already use this approach in your life if you were raised by really emotionally insightful parents. I’m not sure how many of those actually exist, because well, I think all humans struggle with emotions and feelings and recognizing them and appropriating them.
Let’s give this a spin, the idea that you should be curious about your feelings. Where is a particular emotion coming from? Why are you feeling this way? What are you actually feeling, as in, Name it. Where are you feeling it in your body?
AND, this is a big one, not having an opinion about whether the emotion is good or bad, which is HUGE I think. Or at least it is for me. I tend to label my good feelings and the bad ones and sort of scoot the bad ones away from me and my identity. I tend to fracture myself into two versions of me, the really put together reasonable human and the “crazy” person who’s mind is undisciplined and runs amok with all the feelings and unproductive shit. Kinda Jekyll & Hide .
I’ve never taken a poll, but I tend to think as a society, we really do tend to have trouble sitting with our feelings much less anyone else’s emotions…Everyone has them, but no one really wants to talk about it or listen to it. Or perhaps even better, investigate it.
Last night, I was talking to one of my like-moms, in this case the mom of my wasband and I was telling her about how I had bought a $36 six foot tall white Christmas tree. And then found a star for the top and lights and just so happy for Christmas. If you knew me out here in the real world, you would know this is an aberration of my usual feelings about this season. I’m not a Christmasy person. This year though, I feel happy, not free from all worries, but still good. Actually happy.
I asked her if my ex would like his Christmas stocking and other ornaments and we talked about the furniture he left behind that I wondered if he wanted still and then it happened. This feeling, just swelled up into my soul. This sickly sad feeling. And I said nothing to her about it, but when we got off the phone I was alone in the dark of my car. And I found myself actually curious. And here’s how that went…
What is this feeling? Name it. I said it was sad, but I can’t say it was sadness like missing my ex because I don’t, but there was sadness and I felt ill. Like when you feel unwell inside your You-ness, do you know what I mean? Like a soul sickness. Deep down. Also, I didn’t feel like crying about it.
Where do you feel it? Around my heart, in my deep chest. My head noticeably drooped with the feeling as well.
Where is it coming from? The past, I knew this feeling because I lived in it for 9 months. From the end of last October till the first week of this past May, that feeling took up residence in my body. Late last October was the beginning of our end, Thanksgiving was awful, Christmas was weird and then by New Years something shifted and it seemed almost like things could work out, but I knew they wouldn’t deep down in that sad sick feeling. I knew I couldn’t say that I wanted out and knew I needed him to go, but I did and he did. And it was over but we were here living together and I felt sad and ill inside. Like love radiation poisoning.
For a long time I regretted cohabitating with him during that downward spiral. It’s hard to explain how it feels to live in the presence of love dying. And there was no good communication about what was really going on. And there was this ridiculous lie we were telling ourselves, or I was telling myself, that we would be friends. And I knew better. That feeling last night, it’s one in the same.
Why? First let me offer you this, have you ever considered that part of our emotions/feelings may function like instincts? Like a message, but we have to remain calm and curious in order to receive it. At first, the feeling really scared me. Am I not really over this? Am I really not happy like I thought I was just a minute ago? Am I only over him when he’s out of sight, out of mind and not spoken of? I felt discombobulated and off balance by the arrival of that feeling.
But I decided to just sit in it for the rest of my drive home. I’m beginning to think that emotions and feelings are just guests in the house of our soul. Instead of trying to keep them out or down, maybe they just need to be invited in, to be truly heard, given some tea and then they go on their way. And your house doesn’t have to change, because they are just a passing guest.
I think the real Why for me is a reminder of sorts. I remember how I felt with him and that he wasn’t my person. No matter how hard being on my own is, it’s better than being with the wrong person. Or remaining with someone even when it feels wrong. It feels sickly sad. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s a good thing or that it will flourish. Love is like a cactus sometimes, it can survive in despite it’s neglectful surroundings, but too prickly to really touch.
And this feels really weird to say, but I was proud of myself when I got home. I didn’t let that awful feeling ruin my night or today and even now as I write about it, it’s just a memory. It’s worth a lot to me to be able to do things like that, and I think with enough practice, it will change everything.
If you’d like to learn more about emotional curiosity, I recommend Brene Brown and THIS one too. Also, the Angry Therapist and Brianna Wiest. I’m sure there are many good therapists out in the world like mine, and the Internet has opened the door to lesser expensive treatment methods and just an avalanche of information should you be seeking it.
Lastly, let me leave you with some beauty. I was leaving my job last night and walked out into this….
For a moment, I felt like I was on Endor, as in the Return of the Jedi, and at any moment Ewoks were going to appear…that’s the moon there in the middle, not the sun…just look at it…remember to look up every day, beauty is all around us dear Travellers.