Solus

Buon pomeriggio  Travellers,

For the cheap seats in the back, Today is Saturday…

AC0416E2-3377-495B-BE16-8B1B11D1CB1A

Do you believe that art or an artist needs suffering in order to create? Doesn’t strife strike the imagination like a match? I mention this only because I have felt very heightened in terms of inspiration during this whole epidemic. I feel energized in the act of creation right now in a way I haven’t for a long time.

Maybe it’s because I’m a big believer in the way that life creates from death or destruction or mayhem. I feel like the proverbial ash is the most fertile of soils. I believe sometimes we have to fail really hard in order to thrive. Sometimes our path is blocked, but we are unaware until the obstacle is removed. I think that’s what’s happening right now.

So, how are you doing right now?

Are all the people in your life, your co-stars, currently relegated to voice over work via phone, text, or Zoom like mine?

I read an article the other day that said 30% of us right now are alone during the pandemic. We are uno human in our domicile. And it got me thinking about my own life and my feelings about being a single woman. And the possibility that I may remain single the rest of my life. By happy choice.

In one of my very first therapy appointments, I can remember saying something about I couldn’t imagine life by myself. I was a person who believed  I believed I wanted to be a part of a relationship. Always and forever more. I was raised by a white picket fence, knight on a white horse, you complete me cliched kind of woman. And up until the last year, I bought into that hook, line and sinker.

It was always about passion, and drama and not the greatest choices in so many ways. Looking back I would say, the universe has been very generous with me in terms of opportunities with finding love. I’ve known a decent number of nice guys who’s hearts I am sure I broke with my crazy. Mostly in my teens and 20s. I’ve been in a few long term relationships that were never long term inside my mind. And married, which didn’t work out either.

Where does that leave me now?

Through EMDR therapy, my memories of my childhood have been set free like wild butterflies. They are gently and wondrously fluttering back into my life. What you may not know is that good memories are also causalities of trauma. Surviving the bad takes away the good in equal measure.

And I remember when I was young, I was happy on my own. I wasn’t a lonely kid. I was an imaginative resourceful only child who had friends, but was content to play on my own with my dog Snoopy. For hours. My nature was not needy or lacking Or insecure. I was whole.

Up until seventh grade, and a boy named Robbie.

I could tell you in hindsight being in relationships for the most part always felt like I wasn’t me. I was thrown into fits of insecurity and neediness that always felt disingenuous to my nature. I was always sad for something and felt lacking. But I kept on having them. I couldn’t stop having them. I can blame my mom for encouraging it, for teaching me. But really it’s up to me to unlearn and remember who I am…

I dated too much maybe, too young? Too much trauma baggage? Too many suppressed memories of my step father’s inappropriate actions towards me. Or again, hindsight, I wasn’t like my mom. I don’t believe in any of the aforementioned romantic stereotypes. I believe in love, but something calmer, not fireworks. An understanding perhaps. A partnership of similar souls with similar interests and a gentleness. Like the ebb and flow of an ocean. Two waves that move in a sort of separate synchronization.

Lately, I’ve been wondering, where along the way did we decide to teach ourselves that being alone, on our own, was the less desirable outcome in a human life?

Why do we believe that one is lonely, when one is conceptually viewed as a whole?

Because I have to say, I don’t think there is anything more important in terms of lifetime endeavors than learning who you are, what you want, what you need, how to grow, how to heal, how to learn, what you can and cannot live without, how to hold yourself up when you’re crumpling inside, how to sit and feel your emotions pass through you, how to love, love everything, how to be, just be, and how to be quiet with yourself. The kind of quiet where you clear your mind and just observe, inside and out.

And happiness, it’s our own responsibility to make that for ourselves. No one else.

I find being alone during this time is something I rather revel in, BUT had the proceeding year not have been what it was, I wouldn’t be able to say that… If I had lost my job right now, or was hospitalized with the virus, I don’t know how I would feel. The last year for me has been the most difficult time of my entire life. And the most freeing.

I have done hard time in therapy, and wouldn’t be here in this inner space without it. I know I have grown because I can hear how my thoughts have changed, my reactions have changed, my observations about others have changed. I evaluate thoughts and search for their roots, their whys. I ask why so often of myself.  I have learned that I am me and thoughts and emotions are not me. They are transient. I’m a solid souled body.

Broken free from the heard, how do you stand on your own? 

I think being on your own allows you the space and time to search. Deep soul spelunking is what I like to call it, and I know to some people that’s a privileged thought, but is it? Isn’t it the most necessary endeavor of a human life?

Doesn’t the human race depend on how well we know ourselves as individuals?

I’ve heard people say that this time has been especially difficult because with all the busyness of your life evaporating, you are left with just yourself. But I want to assure you right now, your life and you are enough. On your own.

5E775D9F-9E77-4966-8F77-8535912B15BC

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.