A solar year later…

Good evening Travellers,

I have officially lapped the one year mark since my ex left our home AND on last Friday, it was one year from our divorce. One solo trip around the sun. Somewhat hard to believe, but true.

And where I began is definitely not where I am now, so that’s progress. Maybe not the kind of progress I rather ambitiously hoped to have, because I think we all want to excel after we crash and burn. We wanna get back up at a racing pace when the truth is we were knocked on our ass and are completely dazed and out of breath. I wanted greatness while everyone in my life said, all you have to do in the first year is survive.

Well, I have survived.

I’ve pondered on here in different posts about the meaning of life, the wonders of life, the pain of life, and will no doubt continue to do so as I am a curious soul. BUT the thing I’ve come to believe in this past year and in the past few months watching the world fall into turmoil is that I think the reason we are here is to learn.

Everything that happens to us is a lesson. Especially mistakes. Especially the worst ones. And how well you can navigate a crisis and be able to distill it’s learnings versus seeing it as punishment or insurmountable loss is quite possibly the greatest skill a human can hone. Because it is such a difficult behavior for most of us to embrace.

And I can’t help but think at the end of this life, that’s what we should hope to accumulate. An album of experiences that shaped us is all the various ways that only a human life can. The album would be called, “What I learned as a human on Earth.”

SO, I thought I’d just come by today and tell you what I’ve learned this past year…

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For starters, I’ve learned that I LOVE living on my own. Sometimes I miss holding hands or having a human partner of my own, but mostly I’m good. I love that when it rains, I can open all the windows and let the dense thick humid air fill my house without anyone else around to object. The smell of the rain filling the house. I don’t even mind when it rains abit into the house through said windows.

I’ve learned I enjoy having a home that’s warmer in the summer. It’s 75-77 and it’s just good in my soul. And always always opening the windows every morning so the house is as lit within as it is outdoors.

I’ve learned I love mornings, I am a happy morning person. And I enjoy being outside in the evenings. And am learning that relaxing is not a bad thing.

I’ve learned that waiting can change your mind. Waiting is okay. Maybe it all doesn’t all have to be done at once, maybe things should evolve in their own time. Maybe everything doesn’t have to be just so. Or perfect. Like figuring out what rooms in the house should be a den or my bedroom. What colors should I paint the walls? Will I stay here forever or move, I dunno. Waiting sometimes seems to offer up new ideas.

I’ve learned that I can handle bad things. Unexpected unwelcome things. I had to replace the furnace AND air conditioner. Lost a washing machine. Had 13 feet of plumbing replaced. There was flooding and a really badly sprained ankle. And my CPT exam gettting stalled out because of this virus. I battled the ivy in my front yard and won. The landscaping never looked so damn good.

I learned I’m still going to get scared and I still don’t have everything figured out yet. Maybe that’s ok. I’m learning that none of us has an actual plan that’s going to actually unfold as planned. Read that again. I think we are all scared at times from the uncertainty of life. Especially now.

I’ve learned that everything takes longer than you think it’s going to. Witness I’m trying to get outdoor yoga up and going and am struggling with a website For the next few days. I’ve also learned that it’s really f*cking hard to embrace that graduality for all of us. Or maybe I’m the only impatient one.

I’ve learned that broccoli will do this if you don’t harvest it right away..

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Those yellow flowers, THAT is broccoli. I had no idea that a crown of broccoli was a bunch of unopened buds. Did you?? This was my very first time planting it, so next year I’ll remember to cut it earlier. Funny thing is I sort of enjoyed watching it bloom and learning that this is what I’m actually eating…

I’ve learned that getting up earlier changes the cadence of your entire day. And it seems to genuinely alter the way time feels for me. Today I got out of bed at 5:25, my alarm is 5:15 and by the end of the week, I’m aiming for 5am. Because I want to see as many of these as possible in my life:

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And then seeing the sun rising through the trees casting long shadows, like this:

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I’ve learned that my divorce was the greatest catalyst of my life. And I’m no longer angry. I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I’m not sure I would have sought out therapy if this hadn’t happened. And while my life may not appear radically different to the casual observer, things inside have changed me. The way I think, what I observe inside myself, still trying to work with my emotions versus against them. I’ve become an actual work in progress. Good progress. Ongoing steady progress.

And with that I’ve learned I’m still gonna have bad days or bad moments or bad feelings, but I’ve figured out that there are people in my life who I can call and it will make anything bearable. I really have finally begun to learn it’s okay to need people and people need me. After the upbringing I survived that’s been a hard one to learn. It’s hard to reach out, but I’m learning.

I’ve learned there is a lot to be said for being comfortable in the silence of your house. To embrace discomfort in life. That’s an ongoing thing I’m trying to learn, to be vulnerable with life and trust that it’s not going to do you more harm than you can handle. It’s okay having no idea where you are as long as you are with yourself. Believe you can make it.

I’ve learned doing new things, hard things makes me happy in a way that nothing else does. I’m terrified to try this outdoor yoga thing, but I remember how much I loved teaching. It’s the graduality thing again, maybe only 3 people will show up, and that’s gonna be hard. We’ll see what happens…I’ve decided I’m ready to fail in order to figure out how I’m going to succeed.

And while there are many other random things I’ve learned, like how to bake a chocolate soufflé, or how to run all the streaming apps or how to use BBQ sauce to get my dog Lou to eat her food or memorizing anatomy for my postponed test. The last lesson is the most recent.

That ghost I wrote about in my last post, he re-appeared and sincerely apologized. Genuinely. And while I’m quite uncertain that this guy is anyone that I can clock relationship mileage with, I’ve learned that I could like someone again in that way. Even if this ends sourly, I now know the butterflies are not dead and maybe I don’t want to be alone forever. And I’ve learned that being authentically who I am is apparently attractive to guys. My mom was wrong, I don’t have to be all dressed up, every hair in place or in a short skirt to attract a man. Who knew?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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