I woke up to another dreary day and decided I’d try a little experimental writing to amuse myself and hopefully you laugh a little as well…enjoy!!
To whom it may concern,
This is not the Spring that I ordered from your catalog. Obviously someone sent me the wrong item and I’m gonna need to talk to your supervisor to straighten this mess out. I have been a good customer all my life and this is just unacceptable. I’d also like to preface that I did not request a refund for the item you sent during this Winter, when I purchased “Winter Wonderland” and you sent me what I can only describe as a simulation of planet Hoth.
In early February, I ordered “Glorious Spring”. The product description included warmer days with features of sunshine, birds singing, grass growing with simultaneous tree budding, earlier sunrises with occasional moments of transcendent beauty ideal for early morning outdoor activity, mostly clear skies with light breezes and all the stars in heaven at night. Additionally, there would be occasional showers to grow my May flowers. This product was guaranteed to warm the soul and provide ample amounts of hope to give the purchaser all the energy required to create positive change in their life.
“Occasional” does not mean raining over 48 hours straight. And with no sun in sight. I know it’s out there somewhere, SOMEWHERE, but seriously do I have to go drag it down here myself?? And yes, the birds are randomly singing, and the grass is growing, but look at my poor flowers. JUST LOOK AT THEM!! Perhaps someone has broken the tap on the God water system?? Is it a plumbing issue? Do you need the number for a plumber?
Or maybe my item has gotten lost in the mail? Maybe you substituted my purchase without my permission believing that I would not realize this is not my order? Because J.Crew did that one time, and look how that turned out for them.
Or was it so poorly handled in shipping that it’s broken, and this is what happens when it’s broken? Is it broken??
Look, here’s the thing, I’m trying to change my life for the better, recovering from one of the most heart breaking experiences of my life, and starting a new business that will partially operate outdoors. Spring is about starting anew, right? THIS is the kind of thing that drives people into the deepest recesses of their bed, never to return again.
I’m willing to work with you because I know that seasonal weather items are “temperamental” and there is always some responsibility on the part of the buyer, but I just started using this item and again, it’s not acceptable. And I really don’t want to leave a poor review on your website because I’m usually a fan of your products and I regularly recommend them to others.
Please respond within 24 hours with either a refund of my purchase, a new item, or some kind of repair to fix it. It appears I’m probably going to be one of your customers for quite awhile longer as I’m only maybe half way through my journey on this planet, so I would hate for our relationship to become contentious for the remaining duration.
With appreciation for all you do,