O.K.

Hi Travellers,

Let’s start with the obvious, I’m not going to write everyday. Not because I would not like to, but because it’s not what I’m feeling pulled to do. It’s the not the direction I’m going, BUT I am going to show up multiple times a week. I want to be 100% authentic and use the words when they are necessary, true and can contribute to your life. I want this blog to contribute to your life in the best way.

I realized I was using the writing everyday promise as a sort of holding my feet to the fire experience. That never really works, you just end up burned.

I’m going to speak under the assumption here that we are all familiar with the story of the tortoise and the hare. Or at least the very important lesson of that fable, “Slow and steady wins the race.” There is also the lesson of don’t be an arrogant bunny as well, but do I need to tell you that?

Ok, just in case… “Don’t be an arrogant bunny. No one likes an arrogant bunny!”

I think if we are all honest though, humans wanna be the jack rabbit. Not the turtle. I think we still tend to believe that the rabbit is the better competitor. I think this is why we continue to get in our own way at every turn.

The thing is, we have more in common with that turtle. That little guy’s home is on his back in the same way that we are at home in our bodies. Turtles have hard shells to protect their very soft insides. And when they get flipped on their backs, someone has to assist them to get them turned back over.

Most of us are the exact same way. We wanna hide our vulnerability, protect our hearts, and be impenetrable to harm. Especially heart break and disappointments. We believe if we harden ourselves we can hide or call it protection when that’s not true. And god forbid, you should have to admit you need to ask for someone to help turn you back over.

I have been experiencing a most unpleasant situation for about 10 days. I have somehow injured my left arm, or rather pulled three muscles, which led to wrist pain. I have NEVER had this happen. And I think when injury or illness is the exception in your life, it becomes infinitely more difficult to handle.

The thing about our bodies is everything is connected, the kinetic chain is what it’s called. Our muscles, ligaments, tendons and even fascia to some extent, work in a linear symphony. And when one structure goes rogue, it all goes to shit. Somehow I either injured the shoulder or the wrist and the rest of the structures in that arm got called into the fire and now I’m working to re-establish their harmony. I’m going to a professional today to have corrective work done.

This whole experience has delayed my plans. I cannot currently do any form of planks. Unlike most humans, I LOVE PLANKS and have a bizarre aptitude for them. I also had to abandon heavy weight training and take off some time from working out.

Take some time off. As in slow down… I don’t know what words would accurately express to you how hard that is for me.

Because to the casual observer, this may not seem like a crisis, but to those of us who are indeed turtles in our shells, this is a four alarm raging blaze. The thing about being IN your body, being present in it, empowering it, learning to possess it in such a way that you bask in your own strength and mobility as I dare say we are all meant to, when you have this kind of thing happen it sucks. A LOT.

I have cried frequently and had small little mini breakdowns which I’ve decided is okay. I think I have finally arrived at it’s okay to cry and feel your feelings. They are yours, no one else’s and we really need to stop judging other people’s feelings. And it’s been in private, where if we are honest is where most of our feelings are felt.

And I think I’m learning something finally which is why I came here today. Because maybe you need to hear someone else tell you this is their struggle. Maybe it’s yours too?

Let’s just all agree right now that we are indeed here to help each other, okay?

I realized about 5-7 days ago that all my life I have required an exterior voice to assure me that everything is gonna be alright. I have heard friends, family, strangers even so assuredly state how things are gonna be okay. Everything works out in the end. You’ll be okay. And I would take comfort in that, all the while inside doubting abit if it would indeed be true.

First it was my Grandma Max who I depended on hearing it from. Her house was the shelter my mother would drag me back to between marriages. Into the basement. I often wish she was here to see me. I wish she could see that I escaped finally and was doing it on my own. No matter how hard it is. I try to remember the sound of her voice with some frequency to preserve it in my mind. Because it makes me feel okay.

Then it was Dave. He would always do his best to assure me that I was going to be oaky. I realized at some point in the last 4 years that I had in fact been scared inside my marriage. I had been fearful because what I learned from my youth was life was just a series of crisis. It was never actually okay. But that was about my mother and her inability to regulate her emotions and draw boundaries. Her choices were governing my life and her emotions were ruling over mine. And the thing is once you become an adult, you are going to have to learn to pick up that slack and teach yourself all the things they didn’t. Live your life better.

I’ve been telling myself these things everyday, “You are going to be okay. This is going to heal. You are educated in anatomy and you know how this works. You have to allow time to heal. You have to be kind to this body and trust what you have built. Trust what you have built. Trust yourself. You are going to be okay.

And I think it’s working which is HUGE for me. HUGE!!! And also, FINALLY. The universe is saying “FINALLY, you seem to be listening to that voice I put inside you!!”

And now we come back to that turtle. The reason I’ve had this little incident is because I was acting like that silly rabbit. I had not taken more than a handful of rest days in the past year. I was arrogantly denying my body rest. Yes, yes, I said year. I just felt so strong, but underneath there was a voice saying, “This isn’t smart, you know this isn’t going to end well..”

I’ve been working out for 20 years because I started young. I’ve built a strong body because I did it slow and steady. It’s not a 30, 60, 90 day job people. Life is moving in moments and movement exists in millimeters. It cannot be forced or rushed. For all we know at the end of the race, the rabbit has a sprained ankle or can’t walk the next day because they overdid it. On top of being an arrogant bunny.

If you are out there struggling to change your life, take it one thing at a time. Move with the intelligence you were given. It’s not a race, it consistent dedication to yourself.

You are going to be okay.

And just because…I have to show you something wonderful. It’s my crack garden again…and it just makes me smile so big, so here you go…