O.K.

Hi Travellers,

Let’s start with the obvious, I’m not going to write everyday. Not because I would not like to, but because it’s not what I’m feeling pulled to do. It’s the not the direction I’m going, BUT I am going to show up multiple times a week. I want to be 100% authentic and use the words when they are necessary, true and can contribute to your life. I want this blog to contribute to your life in the best way.

I realized I was using the writing everyday promise as a sort of holding my feet to the fire experience. That never really works, you just end up burned.

I’m going to speak under the assumption here that we are all familiar with the story of the tortoise and the hare. Or at least the very important lesson of that fable, “Slow and steady wins the race.” There is also the lesson of don’t be an arrogant bunny as well, but do I need to tell you that?

Ok, just in case… “Don’t be an arrogant bunny. No one likes an arrogant bunny!”

I think if we are all honest though, humans wanna be the jack rabbit. Not the turtle. I think we still tend to believe that the rabbit is the better competitor. I think this is why we continue to get in our own way at every turn.

The thing is, we have more in common with that turtle. That little guy’s home is on his back in the same way that we are at home in our bodies. Turtles have hard shells to protect their very soft insides. And when they get flipped on their backs, someone has to assist them to get them turned back over.

Most of us are the exact same way. We wanna hide our vulnerability, protect our hearts, and be impenetrable to harm. Especially heart break and disappointments. We believe if we harden ourselves we can hide or call it protection when that’s not true. And god forbid, you should have to admit you need to ask for someone to help turn you back over.

I have been experiencing a most unpleasant situation for about 10 days. I have somehow injured my left arm, or rather pulled three muscles, which led to wrist pain. I have NEVER had this happen. And I think when injury or illness is the exception in your life, it becomes infinitely more difficult to handle.

The thing about our bodies is everything is connected, the kinetic chain is what it’s called. Our muscles, ligaments, tendons and even fascia to some extent, work in a linear symphony. And when one structure goes rogue, it all goes to shit. Somehow I either injured the shoulder or the wrist and the rest of the structures in that arm got called into the fire and now I’m working to re-establish their harmony. I’m going to a professional today to have corrective work done.

This whole experience has delayed my plans. I cannot currently do any form of planks. Unlike most humans, I LOVE PLANKS and have a bizarre aptitude for them. I also had to abandon heavy weight training and take off some time from working out.

Take some time off. As in slow down… I don’t know what words would accurately express to you how hard that is for me.

Because to the casual observer, this may not seem like a crisis, but to those of us who are indeed turtles in our shells, this is a four alarm raging blaze. The thing about being IN your body, being present in it, empowering it, learning to possess it in such a way that you bask in your own strength and mobility as I dare say we are all meant to, when you have this kind of thing happen it sucks. A LOT.

I have cried frequently and had small little mini breakdowns which I’ve decided is okay. I think I have finally arrived at it’s okay to cry and feel your feelings. They are yours, no one else’s and we really need to stop judging other people’s feelings. And it’s been in private, where if we are honest is where most of our feelings are felt.

And I think I’m learning something finally which is why I came here today. Because maybe you need to hear someone else tell you this is their struggle. Maybe it’s yours too?

Let’s just all agree right now that we are indeed here to help each other, okay?

I realized about 5-7 days ago that all my life I have required an exterior voice to assure me that everything is gonna be alright. I have heard friends, family, strangers even so assuredly state how things are gonna be okay. Everything works out in the end. You’ll be okay. And I would take comfort in that, all the while inside doubting abit if it would indeed be true.

First it was my Grandma Max who I depended on hearing it from. Her house was the shelter my mother would drag me back to between marriages. Into the basement. I often wish she was here to see me. I wish she could see that I escaped finally and was doing it on my own. No matter how hard it is. I try to remember the sound of her voice with some frequency to preserve it in my mind. Because it makes me feel okay.

Then it was Dave. He would always do his best to assure me that I was going to be oaky. I realized at some point in the last 4 years that I had in fact been scared inside my marriage. I had been fearful because what I learned from my youth was life was just a series of crisis. It was never actually okay. But that was about my mother and her inability to regulate her emotions and draw boundaries. Her choices were governing my life and her emotions were ruling over mine. And the thing is once you become an adult, you are going to have to learn to pick up that slack and teach yourself all the things they didn’t. Live your life better.

I’ve been telling myself these things everyday, “You are going to be okay. This is going to heal. You are educated in anatomy and you know how this works. You have to allow time to heal. You have to be kind to this body and trust what you have built. Trust what you have built. Trust yourself. You are going to be okay.

And I think it’s working which is HUGE for me. HUGE!!! And also, FINALLY. The universe is saying “FINALLY, you seem to be listening to that voice I put inside you!!”

And now we come back to that turtle. The reason I’ve had this little incident is because I was acting like that silly rabbit. I had not taken more than a handful of rest days in the past year. I was arrogantly denying my body rest. Yes, yes, I said year. I just felt so strong, but underneath there was a voice saying, “This isn’t smart, you know this isn’t going to end well..”

I’ve been working out for 20 years because I started young. I’ve built a strong body because I did it slow and steady. It’s not a 30, 60, 90 day job people. Life is moving in moments and movement exists in millimeters. It cannot be forced or rushed. For all we know at the end of the race, the rabbit has a sprained ankle or can’t walk the next day because they overdid it. On top of being an arrogant bunny.

If you are out there struggling to change your life, take it one thing at a time. Move with the intelligence you were given. It’s not a race, it consistent dedication to yourself.

You are going to be okay.

And just because…I have to show you something wonderful. It’s my crack garden again…and it just makes me smile so big, so here you go…

The learning curve

Good morning Travellers,

I awoke this morning to THIS outside:

I’m not sure how the rest of the world is going, but here in Kansas, we no longer have seasons apparently. We just have the day we are going to have, without rhyme or reason. Snow in April. You’re welcome.

This little glitch however goes very nicely with something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, learning.

When we are young, our lives are charted by learning milestones. First it’s about our movement. You learn to roll over on your belly, you learn to pull your knees under you to crawl, you learn to sit upright, you learn to reach out to something higher than you to leverage yourself into standing, you learn to fall down and get up. Fall down and get up. Over and over again. After you walk and fall down enough, you will learn to run. Ride a bike maybe. Swimming. Climbing on things. Hopscotch. Jump rope. Throwing a ball. Catching that ball. Running faster and jumping. Dancing. Chasing other kids.

Scholastically we learn about going to school, time, what day it is, words, how to spell, how to do math, how to read, meeting other kids and the realm of socialization opens to us. We learn what we like and what we don’t. What we are good at and what is difficult for us. We learn to keep going or quit.

We learn to brush our teeth, then we lose them and grow new ones. Most of us sort of enjoy that part.

We learn about naps, snacks, bedtime stories. And as we grow up we have birthdays that we excitedly celebrate with fun parties.

We are learning. And that continues with some expectation until college. Then in early adulthood we learn to be on our own, get a job, find a mate, have some kids, buy a house and then well, then what happens?

THEN WHAT HAPPENS.

I’ve felt very strongly for the last five years or so that the fulfillment you are seeking in adulthood has everything to do with mirroring your childhood. Hear me out…

Everyday you are learning, if you so choose. That snow in that photo is teaching one of the oldest lessons in the book: Adversity breeds survival. While I have moved my little garden containers into the garage to protect them and tarped the remaining larger containers, the rest of nature has to fend for itself. And it will. You can complain about the snow or revel in the fact that the natural world will carry on. Adaptation is learning. And it is a marvel to watch and learn.

I’ve spent the last 6 months revisiting my training methodology and what service I really want to offer clients. And learning is the center piece. Not how you look or will look. I’ll talk more about that more in depth another time, but what I want to say is this…

At the heart of our beings is our nervous system and this life is about learning to master it. Your nervous system is your hard wiring AND IT CAN BE CHANGED. It can be expanded and strengthened. Learning a new behavior creates a new neural pathway. Learning new movement creates new neural muscular pathways. It’s a challenge because our repetitive behaviors are like muddy ruts that we have traveled so much that we are stuck in them. Doing something new is like paving a road that has never existed.

You can learn. And learning tastes like a kind of satisfaction that I think most of us have forgotten in our youth.

Remember what it felt like to ride that bike for the first time? And then what it felt like to ride when the training wheels came off? Or what it felt like to read as a child? Maybe like me, you learned to play an instrument. I played piano and at 5, I thought those pedals on the floor were going to make something serious happen when I could finally reach them. That was exciting to learn.

And I remember learning the hard things too. Injuries from sports, broken hearts from boys, friends who weren’t your friends after all, and all the times I did things that I wasn’t proud of either.

We were learning, good and bad. And we expected it then, so why don’t we expect it now?

What would happen if you created benchmarks in your own life for learning?

What if everyday you look for learning especially in the craptastic stuff?

What if you used therapy as a way to learn to create a better life?

What if you learn to be more of something like compassionate or a better cook or a new hobby or working out or eating well or read a new book?

Just think about all the things you could learn today.

New skills, or just everyday lessons. Like with the snow outside my door. If you are dating, try hard to figure out what are you learning. If you are married, learn something new about your spouse. If you have kids, good grief, there’s a fountain of learning. Same with pets. Dog and cats are far more complex than they are given credit. And old dogs CAN learn new tricks. They are wired just like us.

But mostly learn about you. YOU. Do you know you? Do you know how wonderous your body is and this life?

Who are you?

I recently learned that not only is a tonsillectomy as an adult a horrifying surgery, because one of my closest friends had it done. FYI they BURN your tonsils out. But I learned that I actually am a person who gladly takes care of her friends even when it’s inconvenient. And I’m grateful for it. For her. And for learning this is a part of myself that I think I forgot or maybe I’m a better person than I’ve led myself to believe.

Necessity is the mother of all invention. And we invent through learning and learning creates invention.

Learning is what I feel life is about. If you can learn to take any situation that meets you and examine it for the lesson you’d be surprised how it changes. Learn to embrace hardship. That’s a big one. THAT IS A BIG ONE. Hardships have ALOT of lessons you may or may not like, but it’s still learning.

Learning will change your life. And it will change who you are with the people around you.

Consider my words. Look for learning today. Everyday.

All learning is important.

Are you feeling divine?

It’s the weekend Travellers,

And I have forgiveness on the brain…

Getting divorced really stirs everything up. I find in the last few months, as I think anyone would, I am recounting so many memories in my head and words that were said. And it hurts and I’m trying to figure out what to do with all of it. I don’t want to carry it’s weight through my life. I can’t.

I’ve always believed forgiveness was something like empathy, we were born with this skill, and for some reason we choose to not flex that muscle. That’s where I am this morning, sorting thru my insides… I wonder how long this will all take, how many mental suitcases am I going to repack before it’s done…

Continue reading “Are you feeling divine?”